there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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