My boss' voice literally gives me gas
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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