Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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