hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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