He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"