i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
