I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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