There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
