Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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