Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
