Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
