I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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