Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
