Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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