Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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