No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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