Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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