I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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