i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
