You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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