my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
