my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
