Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
