U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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