you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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