I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
