dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
