she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
