Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
