Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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