Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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