she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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