I must be too annoying 4 u.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
