You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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