my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
