i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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