ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
