I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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