P.S. I can't hear my feet
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Text me some of your sweat
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
