Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
