My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
