Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
