I can tuck mytits in my pants
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
