When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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