How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
