can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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