I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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