Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
