just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
