Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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