I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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