Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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