yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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