I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
