its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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