When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
