i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
So many bounce houses so little time
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
