Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
