Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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