Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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